Showing up

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It's hard to always live in a way which is consistent with your values and principles.

When a lunatic cuts you off in traffic
When you’re stressed about a change at work
When your parents keep interfering in your life
When your toddler throws a tantrum
When your friend makes you feel left out
When your boss is breathing down your neck
When your partner seems distant
When your colleagues are complaining about your boss
When someone gives you feedback that’s hard to hear

In all these moments and a million more the hardest thing is to show up as the person you aspire to be.

And most often the hardest thing isn’t knowing what to do.

The hardest thing is doing it.

That's why I find Ted Lasso so fascinating.

Because underneath his hokey positivity and seemingly superficial advice Ted displays a deep wisdom as he charts his way through life. In the most intense situations - when those around him are angry or upset or calling for his head - Ted somehow manages to untangle himself from their expectations and from his need for their approval. When his players and the fans and his coaches and his boss are frothing with anxiety, Ted keeps calm.

Instead of reacting to the emotion that spills over from those around him Ted keeps acting on the basis of his principles. And so he keeps showing up as the person he aspires to be.

I’d like to be a bit more like that. And maybe you would too. Which is why I’m writing this blog.

I find humans fascinating. I love trying to understand what makes people tick. In fact I’ve spent most of my life trying to work it out. My first career was in market research. My second career was as a church pastor. And now I’m in a strange new season of life. It’s not a career exactly. It’s a kind of limbo. I’m a part-time stay-at-home-dad and a part-time… I have no idea. But while I’m sorting myself out I’ve taken the chance to keep learning about human behaviour by studying a certificate in Bowen Family Systems Theory.

Like Ted Lasso, Dr Murray Bowen believed that people function best in life if they can manage the tension between being in relationships and being an individual. A healthy person values other people and is curious about what they think. Yet they also know what kind of person they want to be and they try to stick to that even when they feel the push and pull of other peoples' expectations.

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For Murray Bowen, being a grown up is about being in relationships with other people while thinking and acting for yourself.

Bowen called this being differentiated.

I call it being like Ted.

Which is why I’m writing this blog.

Season 3 of Ted Lasso has (finally!) dropped. And I learned a lot from watching Seasons 1 and 2 about how to manage my emotions under pressure and how to show up more consistently as the person I want to be.

So for the next couple of months I’ll keep trying to learn about human behaviour by reflecting on Ted Lasso Season 3 through the lens of Bowen theory.

In each post I will:

Explore one issue or challenge from the show
Explain Bowen theory in an accessible way
Offer practical questions to get you thinking about your own life
Invite you to share some of your own thinking with me… and anyone else who might be following along

My hope is that together we might learn how to untangle ourselves from relational pressures and help each other show up more often as the kind of people we want to be.

I can’t wait to get started. And I'm looking forward to hearing what you think.

So...

What are you thinking about?

What is one situation where you find it hard to show up as the kind of person you want to be?
Who in your life has the power to press your buttons and get you worked up?
How can those close to you tell when you are stressed?
Think of a time in your life when you stayed fairly calm in an intense situation and managed to show up as the kind of person you want to be. Can you think of some things which in those kinds of moments can help you to be like Ted?